Why?

30Aug15

I’m not sure why I’m back on here after not posting a thing for five years, but here we are.  I had forgotten I had this thing, let alone eight posts on it.

I guess I needed to write again as I don’t have many friends I can talk to right now, or many outlets with which to communicate that aren’t short form like Twitter.  Twitter is awesome, don’t get me wrong.  I tweet a lot.   However, as a platform for emotional or challenging times in your life, when you really need to get something out, it is pretty lackluster.  Everything looks like a cry for help on Twitter.  If you’re just trying to state how you feel because you need to put yourself out there, it still just looks like a big HELP ME sign.  140 characters just doesn’t cut it sometimes.

That being said, I am someone who needs to put myself out there, otherwise, I’ll never sleep well again.

I feel a need to share all the time.  Not in a preachy way or a ‘waving baby pictures in your face’ way, but in a ‘let’s communicate and share and try to be better people through it’ way.  Keeping things to yourself almost never leads to good outcomes.

So here we go.

This past couple weeks I’ve managed to fuck up so badly at every turn, it’s almost unimaginable how one person can be this shitty.  Without going into too much detail, I got very, very drunk one night and blacked out, as I often do when drinking (not a good sign).  I have no memory of even leaving the bar and then the next thing I know, I’m waking up in the morning on my couch at home. As it turns out, I had done something so stupid, awful and out of character that night, I am still in shock and disgust at myself.  If you want evidence that alcohol can truly be mind-altering, look no further.  I had really messed up this time.  To top it off, I did not react the best to it, going way off the deep end over the next couple days, rather than just giving everyone involved the space they needed.

In the wake of this incident, I’ve lost friends, my family, and even KBMOD, my website and community that I’d worked so hard to build.

Thankfully, since that night, I’ve had some true moments of clarity:

-I needed to stop drinking.  Cold turkey. Just because I”m not a ‘real’ alcoholic, or fit the traditional definition, doesn’t mean I don’t need to stop.  Clearly when I’m past the point of control, I’m a completely different person than I usually am in my normal life.  The worst part, I don’t even have any memory of my Mr. Hyde side coming out.  Simply put: the guy who was drunk that night isn’t me and never has been.  I hope I never see him again as long as I live.  To that end: no drinks since that night and all the alcohol in my house has been given to friends, who can handle themselves, unlike me.

-I was spending way, way too much time on running KBMOD.  I loved doing it, but I had never really had a moment to sit back and see how much of my life it dominated.  It was costing me time that should have been spent being a better father and husband.  Hindsight is a bitch, but now I can allocate that time to the stuff that really matters.

-I need help.  Therapy, counseling, whatever it takes.  I need help to be a better man and to be the best father and husband that I can be.  My parents are probably rolling over in their graves right now with how things have gone over the past couple years with regards to my family and my own mental state.  They’d probably be wondering why I didn’t die along with them for how much I’ve wasted my potential.  I hate myself for letting them down almost more than the people who are still here and effected by my behavior.

-With more time to think and decompress, I now realize the empty feeling I’ve had since the incident is due to the lack of my wife and kids in the house.  They were really my reason for getting up in the morning and I didn’t even know it. Due to my past, I’ve made efforts to put up walls and not get too close to people sometimes and I think subconsciously I had done that even with my own family.  Right now, I’d like nothing more than to hug all three of them, but that has to wait for a while longer.

And believe me, the wait is killing me.  It’s a big reason I’m writing this.

For now, I’ve got to better myself for the time when I can be there for them again.  A lot of you out there on Twitter and Twitch have given me encouragement and stood by me.  It means more than you’ll ever know.  This has been the roughest period of my life to date, but I’ve got to see it through and be transformed into a better man.

Thanks for reading.

PS: Apologies for typos and errors.  I am so out of practice, it hurts.

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12 Responses to “Why?”

  1. 1 Lucas

    Dan, we are all here for you. I truly hope that things turn around, we all sometimes get so caught up in what we are doing that we lose sight of the things that truly matter. Its hard for us to realize until they are gone, whether forever or for a short time. I hope in your case it is only a short time. Even though you’ve always just been this guy on the internet, you’ve been someone that was easy to connect with and it deeply saddens me at how everything has affected you. So, with that being said, I truly hope everything works out. If you need anything, you’ve positively affected me enough that I’m willing to help out however I can. Thanks for everything man.

  2. I’m not sure exactly how comments on wordpress work, but if you see this, that’s good.

    I’ve only spoken to you a handful of times, but I’ve been following you for years now. It feels like I know you well, even though I probably don’t and never will. But if you ever need to talk to me or any of the other Dannisters, just know that we’re all here for you. We love you, man.

    You’re not alone, man. You’ve got tons of people here for you. We’re gonna stand by you no matter what. I know you’re a good person, and you and KBMOD helped me get through four years of high school. I’m not just gonna abandon you because of a mistake.

    If writing puts you at ease like it does for me, you should continue doing it. That’s how I cope with stuff too. It really does help to just get stuff out there.

    Anyway. That’s all I have for my rambly, shitty comment. I hope you get stuff sorted out, Dan. I know you have it in you.

    – Empire39

  3. 3 James

    Man, I know a random comment from some guy on the Internet probably won’t make you feel any better, nor can I say I understand or relate to what you’re going through, but I do feel compelled to reach out to you in some small way. I’m not an active follower of the twitch streams you and the kbmod crew would do, but I have been listening to the podcast since episode 1. I’m one of the guys APL hates because I download every episode every week on iTunes and never tune into the twitch stream. You’re a good guy, man. It might sound cliché, but a decent guy like you is never too far gone. Just know there’s a lot of people that you’ve never even met that you’ve had some sort of affect on, however small. Good luck with everything man. I hope it all works out.

  4. 4 Cody

    Stay strong, Dan. You’ll get through this. You’ll learn and grow from all of this and see the change you’re looking for. Despite not knowing the details of what happened, not that they’d matter, I hope you know that regardless of what went on you can always turn to your twitch community for support. We may not all be the closest of friends but sometimes it just takes someone to listen to lift some of the weight off your shoulders. We’ve all had highs and lows and they’ve made us all stronger as people, maybe there’s some advice out there from others similar experiences that will help you out. Remember you don’t have to do this alone.

    As far as KBMOD… Dan you WERE KBMOD as far as I’m concerned. I hope that they see that as well. If they don’t they’re completely oblivious. You definitely will know more about the inner workings but as far as I could tell KBMOD was as much one of your children as H and Z. You seemed to be the one organizing everything, researching and writing morning posts (which I’m going to miss), running the podcast, the list goes on! I was actually getting worried about you for a while, it seemed to be consuming you. I’m saddened to see you leave (really don’t know how much I’m going to be involved with them, you introduced me to the community), frankly I think they’re going to be completely lost without you. Just know that, from my perspective, everything KBMOD has become was mostly because of your hard work and dedication (not to discredit others contributions) and nobody can take that away from you. You should be proud of where it is today.

    On the other hand I’m glad you’ll be at least taking an extended break from KBMOD to sort your personal affairs out. We’ve all got to take some time to ourselves and our families to prevent becoming trapped in a state of constant thinking and worrying whether it be for school, work, or other responsibilities in our lives. I think this break will be good for you and your family.

    You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Dan. If you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a tweet or something, buddy.

    Hope everything works out.

    @hedgy_

  5. I’m so sorry to hear all that Dan, I really hope things get better for you, and in time they shall. But I agree with you, you definitely needed to get sober, and i’m glad to hear that you are. I know from experience how hard it is to get sober, especially whenever you are going through A rough time. But just focus on making yourself better, stay away from vices, and just keep your head up. You can do it. I truly hope everything gets better. If you ever need to talk just message me on either on twitter(@Diablod0g) or my steam(Diablodog).

    Take care man,

    Steve.

  6. 6 Pascal

    Dan, even in these rough times just know that I along with all of your other fans through your stream and kbmod will always support you. Rough times will always occur but it is by pulling through them that makes us stronger. I’m not sure if this is a relatable situation but my grandmother died from 7 different kinds of cancer on my 15th birthday causing me to fall into depression and start failing classes in school. But I realised that she would not want me to be sad and failing so I pulled myself together. Although I still suffer from depression now I am an b average student and started my first year of college this month.
    We are all here to support you Dan and we all hope things will work out for you. Even though I’m just some random guy from the internet that watches your stream , if you need someone to talk to just let me know (@coach_i_am).
    I look forward to seeing you stream tonight.

    Pascal (coach)

  7. Alcohol is a bitch and it has driven great men to do horrible things. There are still many of us here for you all you need to do is ask. Some of us have been through the shit myself included. If you ever need anything man just ask. I don’t have much more than an ear to vent to but if you need that I am here. Stay strong and you will get through this. As cliche as it may sound the first step to conquering a problem is admitting you have one.

    Much Love.
    Mark AKA Needlesedge

  8. Thanks for all the support guys. It means a lot. I’ll come out of all this a better man.

  9. 9 Joey

    Hey Dan, I’m really sorry this situation came about. It’s very clear that you’re having one of the worst times of your life, but I think you’re making the right changes here. It makes me sad because I know how much you love KBMOD, and I hope someday you’ll make your return, even if it’s in a limited capacity. You and Nick Fenton brought me into KBMOD with your Crysis 3 launch night about 2 1/2 years ago and it has changed my life for the positive immensely. I sincerely hope you return to KBMOD at some point, but I know that your family is paramount and in my opinion, all the changes you listed above are going to be great for you, leaving KBMOD notwithstanding. Here’s hoping for changes for the better in your life man.

  10. 10 PinkStahli

    It really sucks that this shit all happened. But as long as you get to see your family again, I’ll be happy. Best of luck and we all know you can become a better man.

  11. Sometimes, it takes something truly tragic and destructive to turn things around and be a better person by surviving, getting help, getting better, and moving on. Hitting bottom is definitely hard (having done that a few times in my life) and I hope you’re getting some constructive help. Beer is great, man, and KBMOD is awesome, but you’ve made a good decision.

    You made KBMOD for me, and have been listening to the podcast for a couple of years, but it doesn’t matter to me as much as your well-being. I’m really glad to hear you’re working on more important things now. It’ll take everything you’ve got and then some. As a fellow dad I feel for you and your family and I hope you’ll come to terms and turn out okay.

  12. Dan,

    Never underestimate what you mean to people, even some of us here on the internet. Your work that you have done for KBMOD has helped change the lives of not only people in our community, but for countless children throughout the past few years with your work through Extralife. You will be missed in KBMOD, but we are all still here for you as Danisters.

    What you are doing, expressing your thoughts and feelings and seeking out help is the way to go. I can’t even imagine what you are going through, and my own personal struggles do not compare. But I do know that when I was dealing with terrible depression and anxiety swings during the past year, working at a job I hated, and letting it all effect my relationship with my friends and family, this community was there for me when I wanted to talk. When I could finally admit to my family how much I was hurting, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. While things are not currently perfect, and life is never perfect, I have been able to get myself into a much better place that I was a few short months ago.

    I wholeheartedly believe that things are going to get better for you. You have figured out the path that you need to stay on in order to get better and if you hold to that path, though it might be long and hard, it will all pay out in the end. We all know what kind of amazing person you are and if you ever need us we are here.


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